I’m a modern man, a man for the millennium. Digital and smoke free. A diversified, multicultural, postmodern, deconstructionist; politically, anatomically, and ecologically incorrect. I’ve been uplinked and downloaded. I’ve been inputted and outsourced. I know the upside of downsizing and I know the downside of upgrading. I’m a high-tech lowlife. A cutting-edge, state-of-the-art, bicoastal multitasker, and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond. I’m new wave but I’m old school and my inner child is outward bound. I’m a hot-wired, heat-seeking, warm-hearted cool customer, voice activated and biodegradable. I interface with my database but my database is in cyberspace, so I’m interactive, I’m hyperactive, and from time-to-time I’m radioactive.

Behind the eight ball, ahead of the curve, riding the wave, dodging a bullet, pushing the envelope. I’m on point, on task, on message, and off drugs. I got no need for coke and speed, I got no urge to binge and purge. I’m in the moment, on the edge, over the top, but under the radar. A high-concept, low-profile, medium-range ballistic missionary. A street-wise smart bomb. A top gun bottom feeder. I wear power ties, I tell power lies, I take power naps, I run victory laps. I’m a totally ongoing, bigfoot, slam-dunk rainmaker with a proactive outreach. A raging workaholic. A working ragaholic. Out of rehab and in denial.

I got a personal trainer, a personal shopper, a personal assistant, and a personal agenda. You can’t shut me up, you can’t dumb me down. ‘Cause I’m tireless and I’m wireless. I’m an alpha male on beta blockers. I’m a non-believer and an over-achiever. Laid back but fashion forward. Up front, down home, low rent, high maintenance, super-size, long-lasting, high definition, fast acting, oven ready, and built to last. I’m a hands-on, foot loose, knee jerk, head case. Prematurely post-traumatic and I have a love child who sends me hate mail. But I’m feeling, I’m caring, I’m healing, I’m sharing. A supportive, bonding, nurturing primary care giver. My output is down but my income is up. I take a short position on a long bond and my revenue stream has its own cash flow. I read junk mail, I eat junk food, I buy junk bonds, I watch trash sports. I’m gender-specific, capital intensive, user friendly, and lactose intolerant.

I like rough sex. I like tough love. I use the f-word in my email, and the software on my hard drive is hardcore, no soft porn. I bought a microwave at a mini mall. I bought a mini-van in a megastore. I eat fast food in the slow lane. I’m toll free, bite-sized, ready to wear, and I come in all sizes. A fully equipped, factory authorized, hospital tested, clinically proven, scientifically formulated medical miracle. I’ve been pre-washed, pre-cooked, pre-heated, pre-screened, pre-approved, pre-packaged, post-dated, freeze-dried, double-wrapped, vacuum-packed, and I have an unlimited broadband capacity. I’m a rude dude but I’m the real deal. Lean and mean. Cocked, locked, and ready to rock. Rough, tough and hard to bluff. I take it slow. I go with the flow. I ride with the tide. I got glide in my stride. Drivin’ and movin’, sailin’ and spinnin’, jivin’ and groovin’, wailin’ and winnin’. I don’t snooze, so I don’t lose. I keep the pedal to the metal, and the rubber on the road. I party hearty and lunch time is crunch time. I’m hanging in, there ain’t no doubt, and I’m hanging tough: over and out.
-George Carlin